Jesus walking on water was one of my favorite topics to discuss on opinion essays because its so easy to relate to Peter's fear. Peter doubts subconsciously, as do I. If I were say, burning alive, (I never could really imagine myself drowning, Dawn says I was born a fish) my immediate response would be to pray that God would save me, even if God had told me prior to this that I would survive. Unlike Moses would was so close to sacrificing his son, I would have probably freaked out and told God I couldn't go through with it and then gone home and cried like a baby. Having faith that strong is something I can only aspire to at this point in my life, because deep down I know I'm too broken to take risks like that. The idea of dying or losing a son is just not something I can fathom, even if God promised He would save them. I made it this far and I think dying without finding out what it's like to be truly happy would just make me feel like I survived all of this and nothing good came of it.
Sean died at 17, but he died after finding himself and changing the lives of others. I know you don't know much about him, but I've wanted to tell you for a while and verbalizing my thoughts is just impossible when it comes to certain topics. He was born in Russia and adopted when he was four or five, but he remembered the negligence and abuse he endured in those few years which he believes caused him to have a dissociative identity disorder (how the two relate I don't really know, I'm no psychologist). He would skip school on days when he suffered those episodes and often felt like his "other half" was trying to kill him. He drank a lot before he finally told me his life story, which he apparently had tried to tell others, but no one was really willing to listen, and he sensed I was fucked up enough to understand. I never fully understood everything he said that night, and he only brought it up once after that. But that night he told me he thought he was going to die within the year, and I promised him he wouldn't, even though he did.
After he told me his life seemed to turn around. He didn't drink as much, the other side of him he felt he had better control of, he applied to Julliard, helped a bunch of kids get their shit together, got me to stop cutting, and got his one friend to stop doing coke and she joined the army. He saved my ass too many times to count, my dad really fucked me up that year (this was the year he totaled my car on my birthday and the abuse got pretty bad and I was suicidal almost 100% of the time). He seemed happy, and a weeks before his 18th birthday, he died of a heart arrhythmia in the middle of first block weight room. From what I gathered, the other kids in the room thought he was dead the moment he hit the ground and finished seizing. From that day on, Amit tried hard to get my to function, but no matter how hard he tried, it just didn't work. I made 1000 paper cranes and took a few months of from school, but I couldn't really get my shit together. I never really did, I just studied and tried to forget. I can't say I really even loved him, I never even thought about it until he had already passed, I never told him it even. I think his death scared me because I thought I could die without figuring out my life, I don't want to die angry at my dad, I want to find happiness first.
The point isn't that he died, the point is he died content. I haven't reached that point yet, so having faith so strong that I would potentially risk my life isn't something I've come to yet, I want to, but I don't feel I can. I wish I had enough faith to put everything I have into God's hands and follow Him, but right now, I can't fathom doing it. Sometime in the future I hope to, but I have a feeling it'll be a while before that day comes.
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